[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 5: The Hardest Nos]

[Tracey C]

Thanks to Terry and everyone else who has shared a story :) I've been
inspired!

On 5/3/07, Carla Schroder <carla at bratgrrl.com> wrote:
>
> How do you decide whether to stay and try to improve a difficult
> situation, or
> write it off and move on? What are some criteria you can use to help
> figure
> it out? Why do we waste energy feeling guilty over finding good things for
> ourselves?
>

Like many of you, I've had to face this question with people who were
friends (like the one I wrote about, it wasn't an easy decision) and others
who were family members. It's of course been more difficult the closer I am
to the person who is becoming detrimental to be around. Hope springs eternal
in me, I *hate* giving up on most relationships. There's an exercise I found
helpful. That's to sit down and rationally list every advantage and
disadvantage on a sheet of paper in two columns. I would highlight the
really important things (and what's important is what's important to whoever
makes the list). That helps me get a thinking perspective on the issue in a
way where the emotions aren't as involved.  When I've chosen to put distance
between myself and someone else, or chosen to end the relationship, of
course I'm usually sad. With some people I've been pretty upset. I won't
waste too much time beating myself up, however. I had used all my faculties
to rationally look at the situation, considering needs and alternatives. I
trust in the decisions I have made. I let the sadness pass and get on with
life.

If it turns out that the list of negatives outweighs the positives, I will
strongly consider distancing myself from that person. If there is enough
positive left, then I will take a long look at my needs and what isn't being
met that is making me unhappy. With that, I will try to talk to the person
in question to let them know that I've been unhappy, list some factual
events that illustrate the problem (without blame or judgment) and let the
person know what I need them to do or not do. This method of bringing up
criticism was mentioned in "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense" and I
also learned it in a seminar years ago. It works with most people really
well :)

-- 
Tracey C