[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 5: The Hardest Nos]

[Gloria W]

>
> A few points I think worth pointing out here are:
>
> 1. Being compassionate and caring does not mean you are required to be a 
> sucker
> 2. If you make a mistake like this you are still entitled to a full recovery, 
> so you must be immune to any and all attempts at guilting and weaseling
> 3. It doesn't matter how well-off you are- when someone owes you something, 
> you are entitled to be paid back.
>
>   
Wow, thank you. I needed to hear this. I had a very similar experience 
to Terrys', only without the contract. Good friends only need verbal 
contracts, right? Oh man...what a mess.
I gave a friend and her child, and ultimately her bipolar, 
passive-aggressive, borderline-sick-and-violent-bastard man a place to 
stay for a while, in my home, with my family.
They had no money, so I gave them free room and board. Food was free, 
utilities were free, all things required to live were free. I also 
loaned her money in chunks, a hundred here, three hundred there, two 
thousand for her daughter's summer camp, three hundred for uninsured 
doctor's visits, etc. "How do I pay you back?" she asked each time. "Pay 
me back when you can. For now, save your money so that you can get 
settled on your own first. They repay me" was my continual response.
I bet you can guess what happened. Go ahead. Then scroll down.






















We evicted him first, because he was a danger to our children. She moved 
out six weeks later. I lobbed off that cancerous friendship as soon as 
she moved out. She conveniently forgot that she owed me money, ignored 
all of my requests and attempts to recover it in a happy-nice way. A 
attorney, who is also a friend of our family actually got disgusted when 
overhearing this news, and gave me advice on how to handle it. Soon 
afterward, I had legal papers served to her, demanding repayment. She 
got an attorney, who asked for proof of these loans. I dug up every bank 
record, check and ATM receipt I could find, and as it turns out, it 
added up to over $7000, twice as much as the number I had in my head. I 
benefited greatly from this requirement to provide proof, because it 
allowed me to raise the number.

As it turns out, locals here in this county know the trial judge in that 
county who handles such cases. I learned, without ever leaving my home, 
that if we take it to court, I'll get half back. So I settled for half, 
more than the original number I had in my head, and I was happy with 
that arrangement. I donated the money to a charity, and felt great about 
it.

The hardest part of all of this was trying to ask for the money back, 
from someone you don't want to speak to ever again. I try to be nice, 
they behave like an asshole, I feel badly. This cycle makes no sense, 
but I still did it repeatedly because I really didn't know better. I 
should have taken legal action much sooner, but I was a wimp. I didn't 
want to upset anyone, or cause problems. Screw that. It finally felt so 
good and so right when I took legal action that I wondered why I didn't 
do it sooner.

And what is up with the entitlement assumption Carla mentions? Why do 
these scumbags feel like they have a right to keep this money? Her 
official reason for not repaying was that she thought it was a gift, not 
a loan. Free room and board is a gift. Money you borrowed, then asked 
how to pay back, then got a direct response, is not a gift. That should 
be pretty damned clear. But you know this type of person, I am sure. Her 
opinions and beliefs change with the prevailing winds, as does her 
memory. Her supposedly temporary state of poverty and depression are the 
only constants. She's constantly jonesing for that savior, that person 
who will pull her out of her state of poverty, depression and 
helplessness. It's so easy to get sucked into this trap by someone whom 
you consider to be a friend, someone who seemingly has moments of 
clarity, potential to be and do more with her life, if only given the 
right opportunity. I am able to give this friend this opportunity, so 
it's the _necessary_ thing to do, right?

I am proud to say that our helpful family friends made it easier for me 
to recoup the lost money, and avoid flakes like this in the future. I 
have since 'de-flaked' myself. Any person who was in my life and 
repeatedly lied to either me or themselves is now out of my life. Life 
is so much nicer now. I still do loan money out to friends, and I've 
gotten it all back, without a hassle. I now strictly follow two rules 
regarding friends and money:
(1) If this friend has not been close friends with me on a regular 
basis, I may not know then as well as I think, and they may not qualify 
for this loan.
(2) My intuition is always right. When my intuitive senses say 'no', so 
do I.

Number 2 is the big one. I think we all possess the ability and power to 
know when we're about to make a huge mistake, but we ignore the signs 
and signals.

If you've read this down this far, thanks for taking the time to do so.  :)
Gloria