[techtalk] career/family question

Amanda Lenay alenay at wwwa.com
Fri Feb 18 18:08:09 EST 2000


Hi Jenny,

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I got married when I was 22 - I am a sys admin
and my husband is a programmer. I fell into the same routine that you are in
now: cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, etc... and felt strangely
inadequate if I fell behind in any of my "duties". It is now four years
later and I am happy to say that I have gotten over it :) I didn't need to
get a house cleaner or a cook but I did need to realize that there is no
reason to put pressure on myself. My advice to you is to let go a little,
explain your feelings to your husband (pointing out that you realize that
the stress you are feeling is self imposed), buy yourself a crock pot, and
keep some canned soup in the pantry. Considering your profession I am
certain that one of the reasons your husband was attracted to you was for
your mind and your ambition - I seriously doubt that he was looking for a
housewife. As hard as it is to believe sometimes .... they will feed
themselves and will even do the laundry when they run out of underwear :)

Everything will work out great - I've been there! :)

Amanda


_________________________________________

Amanda LeNay
Systems Administrator
Web Associates, Inc.
http://webassociates.com
office (805) 781-2421
mobile (805) 471-3042
pager (805) 476-6053

-----Original Message-----
From: owner-techtalk at linuxchix.org
[mailto:owner-techtalk at linuxchix.org]On Behalf Of Jenny Brown (was
Gable)
Sent: Monday, February 14, 2000 2:59 PM
To: techtalk at hub.org
Subject: [techtalk] career/family question


Hi, newbie delurking. :)  And I have a sort of general question for
an issue I'm struggling with right now.

I'm a programmer, my husband is a sysadmin; we're 22. I've recently
realized that most of the pressure I'm feeling is due to the expectation
that the woman takes care of the bills and cleaning and pets and
appointments and meeting the fix-it people, etc. It fell toward that
with us because he was working full time, and I was working part time
at a lower salary. Also he often had to work weekends and evenings
with server upgrades and maintenance, as well as working all weekdays;
and thus had less time available than me.

We're not much into tradition for its own sake; but things are still
tending that direction.

Now... we've considered getting a cleaning service to come take care of
basic housework; and another service (whose name I can't spell) to take
care of letting service people in to work on appliances and such.

But I feel oddly uncomfortable with that solution, like it means
I'm not doing a good job of making a home and stuff.  But I don't
really understand why that makes me uncomfortable as much as it does.
We planned previously that someday when we had kids, he'd take care
of them, and I'd work to support us both. We don't have kids yet, just
two cats.  But things feel awkward and I'm having trouble getting words
for it.

So basically my question is... if you have dealt with a related
situation... how did you feel, how did you resolve it, what ideas or
suggestions can you provide?

I just got hired full time so I'm under a little pressure to figure
out what I want to do. My husband will probably be supportive but
he's just not good at things like remembering to pay bills, feed himself,
go to sleep on time, organize stuff... (sort of classic hardcore geek).


Jenny



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