[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 6: Grief Support]

[Valorie Zimmerman]

On Saturday 12 May 2007 18:44, Carla Schroder wrote:
> On Friday 11 May 2007 19:45, Carla Schroder wrote:
> > ======Executive summary
> >
> > "I'm sorry" and a big hug, and keeping in touch pretty much covers it.
> > There aren't any big heroic deeds we can do; it's the little things that
> > matter- being there and letting them know you care.
>
> I forgot to mention that core notion here is "allow people to have their
> feelings." I don't know how it is in other countries; in the US it's almost
> a crime to express any feelings but happy happy joy joy. So when someone is
> grieving well-meaning friends try to cheer them up, or otherwise minimize
> their sad feelings. It is kinder and more supportive to simply be there and
> not try to be all jolly or to fix everything.

A young friend of mine lost his mother to a heart-attack last summer, a few 
weeks before the beginning of his new college term for. He had come out as 
gay a few months before that, so was already in a fragile state. 

He *kept apologizing* for his sadness and depression. I really couldn't 
believe it. I gave him lots of long-distant hugs, and offered to talk on the 
phone any time, day or night, and kept assuring him that grieving is an 
honoring of the one you have lost, as well as healthy and normal and 
inevitable. I think this brainwashing of "cry at the funeral and get over it" 
is subtly all over our culture. 

We need to spread the word that grief is normal, natural, and GOOD. You grieve 
for as long as you grieve -- there is no normal. And it is important. People 
need to take the time they need, and helpful friends and family will help 
them to do that, in any way they can.

Grieving people with a spine can help their friends and families by being open 
about their feelings, and saying things like "I'm missing my mom a lot today. 
How are things with you?" instead of covering up their grief and pretending 
that they aren't feeling sad or angry. Comforters with a spine can accept the 
feelings the grief-stricken person expresses, without trying to "fix" them.

Thanks for bringing up this important subject, Carla. Sorrow is a part of 
life, and life is good. :-)

Valorie, who just got back from putting flowers on her mom's grave for 
Mother's Day