[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 6: Grief Support]

[Carla Schroder]

Today's lesson is a bit of a detour, though it still fits our overall theme of 
having the courage to do the right thing, whether it's for ourselves or for 
someone else.

When a friend or acquaintance is dealing with an illness or death in the 
family, we don't always know what to do. So we do dumb things and say dumb 
things and squirm uncomfortably, or avoid the situation entirely, and then 
bruise our behinds with self-kicking.

This is all understandable, and unnecessary. There are a few basic rules that 
cover all occasions; keep these in mind and you'll always know what to do.

=====Good things to say to friends:

I am so very sorry
Would you like to talk about it?
I'm here for you
If you need anything at all, call me

A nice thing to do on IRC is to deliver hugs:

/me sends hugs
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

======Good things to do for friends:

Take quiet charge of small chores. Shine shoes, wash the car, mow the lawn, 
cook some meals, feed the livestock, put away food brought by other people. 
Just do them; no need to pester them with endless questions about what to do.

Keep up your regular invitations to activities. You might get turned down a 
lot, but don't stop.

Make an extra effort to maintain contact. Send a nice card every so often, 
call, email, visit. What do you say? It doesn't have to be anything 
grand- "I'm thinking of you. I'm here for you. How are you doing? What do you 
need?" Be patient and quiet, and make an extra effort to be a good listener.

Hugs are always wonderful. So are handsclasps, and a friendly hand on the 
shoulder. Make firm, purposeful contact; nervous patting is for non-spineful 
people. :)

People often withdraw or become distracted in hard times. Don't take it 
personally, just be patient and know it's not about you.

=====Good things to say to acquaintances:

I am so very sorry. 
My thoughts are with you.

======What not to say:

I know how you feel
Things happen for a reason
You need to find closure
At least she is no longer in pain
You need to move forward
Time heals all wounds
If that happened to me, I’d just die

======What not to do:

Don't give advice
Don't share your latest miracle cures
Don't treat people like they are dimwits who know nothing and can't run their 
own lives. 
The last thing anyone dealing with illness or death needs is to have to fend 
off well-meaning friends bombarding them with "you must do this" jive. You 
want to be a support and a help, not a pest.

Remember that this is not about you.

======Executive summary

"I'm sorry" and a big hug, and keeping in touch pretty much covers it. There 
aren't any big heroic deeds we can do; it's the little things that matter- 
being there and letting them know you care.




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Carla Schroder
Linux geek and random computer tamer
check out my Linux Cookbook! 
http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/linuxckbk/
best book for sysadmins and power users
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