[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 2: When Nice = Rude]

[Gayathri Swaminathan]

Thank you!! This course has indeed been refreshing many ways.

It has helped me reclaim some awareness ( by making the dreams list ) and
have listened to many inspiring stories so far.

Had to think a lot to pick of those particular juicy instances, when I had
found "Nice = Rude" in my life :)

I agree completely with Carla on this,

"I always needed permission and was forever striving for what I thought I
should do, rather than what I wanted to do."

I can relate to this well coming from the traditional southern Indian
background. In many ways, children ( both male/female) are told in those
parts that they should take to a professional degree ( Doctor, Engineer,
Lawyer etc., ) else you are considered loser some kind. You work your butt
off through high school acing your Math/Science classes and then there is
large general exam ( similar to the SATs, entrance exams ) to get into
undergraduate degrees. The short and length of it, you study even harder and
choose your major. But was this what you "wanted" to do?! or you "needed" to
do.

I really wanted to be a doctor but after a lengthy discourse with my dad
decided to do Computer Science instead. In many ways, I have not only
developed admiration for CS but am also glad how medicine would not have
been appropriate for me ( Being so empathetic and all..I would not have been
able to treat it as a profession/job). Very few south Indian gals are lucky
enough to have a dad like mine who will allow such conversations.

Most the gals I went undergraduate were little shoved into it with the
dreams of their parents. But what if she wanted to be an artist, a writer
something else?! And the rest of it is decided for her as well. See, after
you graduate with your professional degree, you are married off to some
Mr.Nice guy to start your family life.

This is not all bad as it sounds. The parents were earnestly thinking
getting their daughters well-educated and married to a person with good
qualifications should bring her happiness life long. But was that her "inner
bliss", quoting Joseph Campbell again :)

The other thing, I have time after time been faced with is, when in
profession ( mine IT ) where I interact with a fair amount of male
colleagues, why do I always get the feeling "I am told what to do". I can
stand on the tallest hill, wave my hands, put big signs and write reviews
day long, year long of why certain things cannot be implemented the way they
propose but, if I did that "I am not being nice!". I strive along staying
stubborn on this stand and hardly let my spirit get hurt. But for how long?!


Yep, never been able to get into that good-ol-boy gang much ( Dont want to
either..coz am proud being a gal ) but how much am I hurting myself by
refusing this proposition. career wise..

Gayathri

-----Original Message-----
> From: courses-bounces at linuxchix.org on behalf of Carla Schroder
> Sent: Fri 4/6/2007 3:54 PM
> To: courses at linuxchix.org
> Subject: Re: [Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 2: When Nice = Rude]
>
> Lesson 2: When Nice = Rude
>
> We're off to a great start! Thank you everyone for your thoughtful,
> inspiring
> posts.
>
> If you don't have a copy of "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" I recommend
> that
> you find one. We have a number of good book recommendations; this is still
> my
> #1 choice.
>
> Clytie Siddall posted a "Basic Human Rights" list, which I copied below.
> Manuel Smith, the author of "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," includes a
> similar list, The Bill of Assertive Human Rights. This is number one:
>
> ==Our Prime Assertive Human Right==
> Assertive Right 1: You have the right to judge your own behavior,
> thoughts,
> and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and
> consequences upon yourself.
>
> I'm willing to wager that most of us were raised completely contrary to
> this.
> I know I spent a good portion of my life fighting with this nebulous
> disapproving judge in my head who didn't approve of much of anything I
> did. I
> had a hard time doing anything on my own authority; I always needed
> permission and was forever striving for what I thought I should do, rather
> than what I wanted to do. This leads to bad consequences, both small and
> tragic