[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 2: When Nice = Rude]

[Carla Schroder]

Lesson 2: When Nice = Rude

We're off to a great start! Thank you everyone for your thoughtful, inspiring 
posts.

If you don't have a copy of "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" I recommend that 
you find one. We have a number of good book recommendations; this is still my 
#1 choice.

Clytie Siddall posted a "Basic Human Rights" list, which I copied below. 
Manuel Smith, the author of "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty," includes a 
similar list, The Bill of Assertive Human Rights. This is number one:

==Our Prime Assertive Human Right==
Assertive Right 1: You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, 
and emotions, and to take responsibility for their initiation and 
consequences upon yourself.

I'm willing to wager that most of us were raised completely contrary to this. 
I know I spent a good portion of my life fighting with this nebulous 
disapproving judge in my head who didn't approve of much of anything I did. I 
had a hard time doing anything on my own authority; I always needed 
permission and was forever striving for what I thought I should do, rather 
than what I wanted to do. This leads to bad consequences, both small and 
tragic. Here is a small example:

Deciding where to go for dinner
--------------------------------------------
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, where do you want to go?"
"Anywhere you want is fine with me."
"Well, I don't really care, so let's go where you want."
"OK, how about.... Italian."
"Hmmm, Italian...I don't know...."
"Oh, you don't want Italian. So where do you want to go? I really don't care."

And on and on until anyone present who is capable of making such a simple 
decision is at the breaking point and ready to scream. Then later this 
happens:

[grumbling to a friend]
"I really wanted Italian, but we had burgers instead. Inconsiderate louts."

So why was it so hard to say "I want to go to the Italian restaurant for 
dinner- who's coming with me?"

How Niceness Escalates Into Rudeness
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine plays in an old time country-and-western band. She was 
bringing her electric guitar to performances. It's a lovely guitar, and she 
had it adjusted to sound like a nice amplified acoustic guitar, in keeping 
with the type of music they were playing. The whole band was using a sound 
system; she was smart to keep control of her own amplification, which is a 
story for another day. For whatever reason another band member thought this 
was a bad thing, and that Friend should play an acoustic guitar. Sounds like 
a simple, straightforward request, right?

Instead this happened right before a performance:

Singer: "Do you wear your heart on your sleeve?"
Friend: "Huh, what do you mean?" (thinking, oh no, what have I done wrong?)
Singer: "I need to ask you something, and it's really no big deal, but I 
haven't wanted to bother you with it, but it's been kind of bothering me and 
I don't want to hurt your feelings but [yak yak excuse ramble]........"

While Singer is circling perilously closer to making an actual point, Friend 
is winding up into a serious state of peeve and worry, racking her conscience 
and wondering what major crime she has committed, and how could she do it 
unknowingly. Finally Singer brings up the issue of the guitar, fortunately 
before Friend falls into a nervous collapse or punches Singer out, whichever 
happens first. The result was Friend called me and asked me to bring her 
acoustic guitar and other gear, please hurry now. So I did. Because I trust 
her judgment and decisions. Though I did grumble and say mean things about 
Singer.

Nice? Or Phony?
----------------------
Don't we all know people like that? Or do it ourselves? They're so worried 
about hurting other people's feelings, and not being "nice," and of somehow 
doing a Wrong Thing, and maybe we won't like them, or even be mad at them, 
that they end up being phony and rude, and boring us to death with excuses 
and justifications. Singer could have talked this over any time, with no 
better reason that "because I think it would look better." Waiting until 
minutes before show time, and treating it like an international incident 
instead of a simple discussion between friends is rude and not nice.

How often do we hurt someone because we're trying to be "nice"?

"Yes, that color looks fine on you." (ha! no way! send in the clowns!)

"I don't mind, really." (oh yes I do, and I'm going to be resentful forever 
and ever.)

"Eh, it's not worth hassling for a refund." (I won't tell you I'm unhappy, but 
I will badmouth you to everyone I know.)

"Aw, she's not so bad, she just has some stuff going on in her life." (I'm 
doing her work and mine, she is undependable, incompetent, and obnoxious, and 
everyone in the office is suffering because of one bad employee, but I'm too 
chicken to let her go.)

"He's really a good man, he didn't mean it, you have to understand." (If I 
admit he's a no-good butthead, then I'll have to make some uncomfortable 
decisions.)

The last two scenarios represent the worst consequences of being "nice", 
because other people are affected adversely, and the "nice" person is 
standing up for the wrong people.

Homework
----------------
If you find yourself doing these sorts of things, think about why.

What does it really mean to be nice?

Share similar stories with the list. They don't have to involve you, but it 
would be fun and helpful to have some different scenarios to discuss.

A wonderful and fun way to practice different behaviors and develop new verbal 
skills is to follow the dialogue scenarios in "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" 
with a friend, just like rehearsing a play.


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Basic Human Rights
1. The right to feel good about yourself

2. The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self- 
respect as long as others' rights are not violated in the process

3. The right to be treated with respect

4. The right to say "No!" and not feel guilty

5. The right to experience and to express your feelings

6. The right to slow down and think

7. The right to change your mind

8. The right to ask for what you want

9. The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing

10. The right to ask for information

11. The right to make mistakes

-- 
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Carla Schroder
Linux geek and random computer tamer
check out my Linux Cookbook! 
http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/linuxckbk/
best book for sysadmins and power users
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