[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 1: Dreams]

[Lynna Cekova]

Carla Schroder wrote:
> On Tuesday 03 April 2007 13:22, Lynna Cekova wrote:
>   
>>> In general, women are not raised to aspire to very much, and to bury our
>>> real wants and needs under thick deadening layers of stupid stuff, so
>>> when I hear "oh, I don't want much" I think it's worth a closer
>>> examination. It's not required to share it with the list, but if you're
>>> thinking along these lines, you might take another look just to be sure.
>>>       
>> Or perhaps it can be assumed that a woman knows what she wants, herself.
>> Telling someone that her desires are worth a "closer examination" only
>> because they are not the same as what you or society considers
>> appropriate is outside infliction of self-doubt to that woman, and
>> building new "deadening layers of stupid stuff" (whether or not she had
>> some to start with).
>> Some women here have been brave enough to share dreams that differ from
>> the dreams of others, and I don't think they deserve to be told to
>> re-examine themselves, just in case, as if something was wrong with them
>> by default. And many women would think that there was *really* something
>> wrong with them -- they would start to search for the "deadening layers"
>> that may or may not exist, and would eventually create them, just to fit
>> in. A woman telling another woman to "take another look just to be sure"
>> if she doesn't conform to some standard of thought and behavior can be
>> even more detrimental than the proverbial chauvinistic male who tries to
>> order her around. For many people, standing up to an enemy is easier
>> than standing up to someone belonging to the same group as you.
>>
>>
>>     
>
> My first flame!
>
> I am puzzled as to why - this is a Course, and presumably people are here with the expectation of learning some things, right? And are open to ideas and discussion, and giving and receiving a bit of mutual support? If I were walking up to random people and ordering them to do anything, they would be quite justified at taking offense. But that is not the case. I'm not giving orders and no one made anyone be here.
>
> How do you reconcile "it can be assumed that a woman knows what she wants" with being so weak that she will conform herself to what she thinks my expectations are? At any rate, I think my expectations are very clear- "know thyself" and "don't be afraid to be you." Which are not new concepts, but they can be difficult to hang onto under the pressures of everyday life, which is why I suggest that taking the time to sort things out is a valuable and helpful thing to do. If you don't need to, fine, you can skip this part. 
>
> Everyone is different, and I trust that the participants here are wise enough to recognize what will be useful to them, and which bits they don't need. You are 100% correct that it is brave to share such personal information, and everyone who has shared has my thanks and appreciation. Anyone who is not publicly sharing also has my thanks and appreciation, for doing what is right for their own needs.
>
>   
I didn't aim to flame anyone. I aimed to point the following: once a 
person has shared her dreams with others, receiving a reply in the 
spirit of "but are you really really sure" is not doing her good. 
People, and especially women, are prone to self-doubt. Someone might 
know herself and her dreams quite well and still doubt herself when 
prompted by a person she trusts. Women who have trampled their true 
selves beneath rules imposed by others should be encouraged to dig them 
out. However, women whose true selves are already dug out (or were never 
buried in the first place) should not be urged to reevaluate themselves 
just because their true selves do not match some outside criteria.
Or, in fewer words, I meant that  prompts and advice like "you might 
take another look just to be sure" might harm rather than help a woman, 
even when help is what is initially intended.