[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 1: Dreams]

[Listpig]

Interesting time to discuss dreams.

I'm in the middle of a divorce.  My spouse of almost 24 years decided fairly
abruptly last summer that his future was as a woman; perhaps the
relationship could have weathered that had that not been the maul that split
the log wide open and showed all the termite damage in the marriage.

So here I am, 53 years old, just coming off a knee replacement (he walked
out two weeks before the surgery, which was mid-February).  I haven't worked
full time in six years, and then only briefly; I spent the marriage
primarily raising his children from a previous marriage.

<deep breath>

OK, wow.  Starting over, with a vengeance, not necessarily by choice.
Completely alone---my parents are dead, I'm an only child, my stepchildren
are pretty distant, emotionally---both a scary place to be and a wild
opportunity.  What to do?  Where to go?

I don't want to stay where I am (suburban Chicago).  Everyone I know is
"mutual friends"---I really need to move on, to people who will be
supportive of ME.  What I'm seeing in theory is people "not taking sides" in
the divorce, but going out of their way to be "very supportive" of the sex
change---which means what I'm seeing in practice is him/her getting a lot of
calls, hugs, support and me getting uncomfortable looks and comments like
"Oh.  Hi.  It's you," that feel very like "Oh, so you're the one who brought
the bubonic plague to the picnic."  Intellectually, I know that's because
they don't know what to say.  Emotionally, it feels like they HAVE taken
sides, and it sure as hell isn't my side.

Pretty similar response from at least one stepdaughter.

So that should free me to go *anywhere*, do *anything*.  But still---even
though I'm on very precarious ground with that stepdaughter, and skeptical
about whether there's any point---I want to stay close enough to see my
granddaughter from time to time.  She's two years old and I adore her,
although she's definitely being used as a weapon against me at the moment
(withholding visits).  I've thought about that a lot, but even if I never
get to see her again, I need to know for myself that it's not because I went
hundreds or thousands of miles away---that it was 0% my doing.

So that limits where I can go.  OK, let's put that on hold a minute.

What the heck do I want to do?  Well, what am I qualified to do?
Secretarial/administrative/clerical stuff.  Low level techie grunt stuff.
Doable, but doesn't pay particularly well, and doesn't truly move my soul.
Retail sales.  Ditto with a vengeance.  And I'm getting a little burned out
on techie stuff, especially the "sit at a desk all day" part.

Well, if I could go back to school, what might I want to do?  Better yet,
what did I want to do when I was growing up, just to be told "not an option
for girls"?

Cars.

Racing?  Well, that boat not only sailed a long time ago, it sank. :)
There's an age where you're just not going to do that.  Doesn't matter what
you "might could" have done back in the day.  It's over.

Fixing?  Hmm, that's open these days.  Working on race cars would be best,
but I can deal with working at a dealership.  And girls *do* get to do that
now, unlike back in the day when Janet Guthrie, driving the Indy 500, had to
pee in the public toilets because women weren't allowed in the garage area,
period.  Might not be a *lot* of women doing it, but it's doable.

Well, what will that take?  Two years, associate degree program.  And
looking around, if you want to tack anything race-specific---or motorcycle
related---on that, Ivy Tech, Indianapolis campus, is a right fine place to
be.

Indianapolis, 2 1/2 hours down the road---not far at all.  An area where my
granddaughter's parents spend a respectable amount of time, as a matter of
fact.

So that's what I'm working on.  Trying to pack up/clean up/sell this house.
Have my eye on a house in Indy, a mile from the speedway.  Small, but quite
adequate for a single woman and her cats, five miles from the school.  We'll
see if I can pull this off.

If *everything* went according to my dreams, I'll make this work....and my
granddaughter will come to visit.  Perfect dream would include her parents
deciding to move to Indy, actually :)

And the dream also requires that I make new friends, and build a new social
support system, that's stronger and less dysfunctional.  Dunno if I'm
capable, but I'm willing to try.

Then of course, there's the bravado statement---but it's not entirely untrue
either.  Which is that somewhere down the road this requires that I get a
tat (I already have it designed: crow in flight in front of triple moon),
and a motorcycle, and dye the tips of my bright red hair blue.

And, by God, redefine the term "blue haired old lady" for now and all time.
:)

--pig