[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 6: Grief Support]

[Akkana Peck]

Carla Schroder writes [a great posting, including:]
> ======What not to say:
> 
> I know how you feel
> Things happen for a reason
> You need to find closure
> At least she is no longer in pain
> You need to move forward
> Time heals all wounds
> If that happened to me, I'd just die
> 
> ======What not to do:
[ ... ]
> The last thing anyone dealing with illness or death needs is to have to fend 
> off well-meaning friends bombarding them with "you must do this" jive. You 
> want to be a support and a help, not a pest.

This reminded me of a great scene from a Connie Willis book called
"Passage". It's a fiction book, with a lot of humor in it, despite
what you might think from the title given in this context.

(Mild spoiler alert.)

Richard has just experienced a traumatic loss, and his coworkers are
all pestering him constantly to see this great grief counselor they
know, or to read self-help books like "Seven Mourning Strategies"
and "Eight Great Grief Helps" and "Words of Comfort for Trying
Times" (quoting lines like "God never sends you more than you can
bear"). It's all making him feel even worse.  Then he gets a visit
from a stranger, a young, fragile looking woman who says she was a
friend of the deceased and needs to give him a book.

  "Oh, of course, a book," he said viciously. "The answer to
  everything. What's this one? 'Five Easy Steps to Forgetting'?"

  He didn't know what he'd expected. That she would look hurt and
  surprised, tears welling up in her eyes, that she would slam the
  book down and tell him to go to hell?

  She did neither. She looked quietly at him, no trace of tears in
  her eyes, and then, in a conversational tone, said, "I slapped my
  aunt Martha. When my fiance died. She told me God needed him in
  heaven, and I hauled off and slapped her, a sixty year old woman.
  They said I was half out of my mind with grief, that I didn't know
  what I was doing, but it wasn't true. People say unbelievable
  things to you. They deserve slapping."

There's more (she has some scathing things to say about people who
say "You'll get over it"), but you get the idea.

I never know what to say. I certainly don't know what someone else
feels. Even if I've gone through grief myself, every situation is
different, and thinking I could know what someone else is feeling
at a time like that would be fooling myself.

I know I'm saving the messages from this lesson, and will try to
remember them when it counts. Thanks for the thoughtful posting,
Carla, and the thoughtful replies from Mary and others.

	...Akkana