[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 5: The Hardest Nos]

[Poppy Lochridge]

On Apr 29, 2007, at 5:21 PM, Carla Schroder wrote:

>
>
> Homework: please share your best horror or success stories at  
> dealing with
> loved ones who want things from you.
>

I almost think it should be enough here to state that I planned a  
wedding last year. There's enough hassles with loved ones involved in  
that to keep my fingers typing for a long time.

1) When we started looking at dresses about a year before the  
wedding, I selected my attendants. My husband and I had discussed it  
beforehand, and decided that we only wanted to have two attendants  
each to keep things small, so I selected my two oldest friends, women  
who have been with me through their divorces, my breakups, and moving  
all over the country.

My mother was horrified. She strongly felt that, since my sister-in- 
law had asked me to be one of her attendants when they got married, I  
should return the favor and just have three attendants so that no-one  
felt left out. I asked my sister-in-law, who told me she didn't feel  
left out and that I should do whatever seemed right to me.  
Ultimately, I told my mother flat out that I would find another role  
for my sister-in-law (who was one of my ushers and did a lot to keep  
the day moving smoothly), but my attendants had been selected. And  
then I had to tell my grandmother and aunt the same thing just as  
firmly before it was all understood.

2) Money. During the process of planning for the wedding, there was a  
fair amount of miscommunication over money. Hubby didn't know what  
weddings cost, and I didn't know that he didn't know. So he went into  
it with an attitude of "I'll spend this large bonus that I just got  
on new computer equipment, and when we need to pay for the wedding at  
the end of the summer, I'll just work a lot of overtime to make up  
the difference." That's about when I insisted that he sit down and  
look at the budget with me, so that we both understood how much it  
was going to take to pay for everything.

3) And unrelated, but the way Tracey phrased the opening to her email  
reminded me....  "It's true, unfortuately, that if people find out  
you make more or have more than them, the start asking for handouts."

I recently started a new job after being laid off from the job from  
hell. The new job pays significantly more than the job from hell did.  
When my husband found out what they were offering me, the first thing  
he did was tell his friends. No-one has come to either of us yet  
looking for handouts, but when he told me he'd told them all about my  
offer, I cringed. The damage was done, so being upfront with my  
discomfort about it didn't seem like it would get me anywhere, and I  
didn't say anything. I think now that maybe I should have.... and  
that it's not too late and I should say something now anyway.  
Granted, the worst that's happened is that they tease him about  
having a "sugar momma" now that I make more, and their teasing  
doesn't bother me.

--Poppy