[Courses] [Spineful Living, Lesson 4: Saying No!]

[Carla Schroder]

Lesson 4: Saying No!

There are two circumstances when it is hard to say no: when someone wants you 
to do something icky you don't want to do, and when you are being offered 
great opportunities and you can't possibly take advantage of all of them.

In the first case, it's rather amazing the things that people let themselves 
get roped into. I'm sure we all have our own sets of horror stories.  
Sometimes you feel driven by necessity, like taking paying work that you know 
you won't enjoy, and might even have a bad outcome, but you feel you have to 
because you need the money. It might be something as trivial as choosing what 
movie to watch. Then you don't like the movie, or didn't really want to watch 
a movie, and feel all abused and resentful because you never get to do what 
you want. Maybe your boss is a classic Dilbert case who gives you assignments 
that you really shouldn't be doing, or worse, treats you like the lowliest of 
administrative assistants instead of a skilled professional in your field. 
Maybe you get married and have kids and enter a profession you really don't 
want and live this weird, unsatisfying life because your parents think this 
is what is right for you.

Life is too short to waste.

What do you do about this sort of thing? The first step is taking charge of 
yourself and knowing what you want. That's why we started off with dreams. If 
you passively waft through life, letting other people make your decisions and 
bossing you around, please spare us your complaints! The cool thing about 
being a grownup is you get to make your own decisions. (Unless you live in 
some sort of horrible oppressive culture, which is a subject for another 
day.) 

If you've established a reputation as a pushover, it will take some work to 
break out of that. But it might not be as hard as you think. Just being asked 
to do something is not a command, though some people take it that way. 
Someone asks you to donate money to some cause and you don't want to, don't 
make excuses. Just say no. People have their hands out all the time- you are 
under no obligation. When was the last time someone came to your door to give 
you anything? I bet never. You get asked to volunteer to organize the church 
softball team and you don't want to, just say no. Your significant other asks 
you to do some kinky thing you don't want to, just say no. Anyone who tries 
to pressure you into something you don't want to do is not your friend, and 
why should you be nice to people who are not your friends?

"What's in it for me?" is a good way to evaluate whether or not you will do 
something.

The type of pressure that gripes me the most is "come on, it's good for you!" 
I totally do not care. I will decide what is good for me, thank you very 
much, and the more you push the more I want to push you into a mud puddle. 
Preferably one that has been visited by incontinent livestock.

I know this is often easier said than done. It takes practice and thought. 
What if you get roped into something, and then realize later that you are 
unhappy and really really want out? That's a bit harder, because breaking an 
obligation is something we are trained not to do. But that's a good option- 
they got along fine without you before, and will get along fine without you 
in the future. What would sticking it out to the bitter end gain? Hopefully a 
lasting lesson so you don't do it again. Other than that, what...? In my 
experience, nothing that really benefited me.

====Dealing With Too Many Good Offers====

Val Henson is apparently living the good life, because she asks "How to say no 
to things that are fun, good for you, and just too much to
do?" That's a lot harder. As a starting point, I suggest going back to the 
beginning: what do you really want to do with your life? Out of all these 
kewl offers, which ones will get you where you want to go? What will you gain 
from saying yes? Putting some focus into your life will make a big 
difference.

This can relate to "When Nice = Rude", when people are too "nice" to say no, 
and get over-committed, and end up making messes and letting other people 
down. Even when it's nothing raining nothing but awesomeness, you can't 
capture every raindrop. What are your real motives for making a yes or no 
decision? Do you even know yourself?

Homework: Read the freaking book :)  'When I Say No I Feel Guilty"
Another excellent one is "Women Don't Ask", which addresses the issue of how 
we limit ourselves beyond how other people limit us.

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Carla Schroder
Linux geek and random computer tamer
check out my Linux Cookbook! 
http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/linuxckbk/
best book for sysadmins and power users
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