[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 1: Dreams]

[Gloria W]

I think both of these points are very valid, and in my past, it was a 
soul searching act to figure out where I stood at any given point in 
time. It used to be really tricky at times for me to determine if I've 
thought/acted out of other's expectations of me, or if I was truly in 
touch with how I felt at the moment. Sometimes I was sure, and sometimes 
I was not. And to make matters worse, when I was certain that I've 
acted/thought as I truly felt like doing at a given moment, I'd lament 
over whether or not it was "right" (whether I've hurt anyone's feelings, 
etc.)

Once I stopped the lamentation, the guilt part of all of this, my own 
inner voice became clear. It took much practice for me to stop feeling 
guilty for my actions, because I was raised to do so. It's almost easier 
not to act, if it's this easy to defeat yourself, and if it's so easy 
for other women to invalidate you simply by questioning your thoughts or 
actions. I've been there, I know how this feels, and I was raised by a 
female who took full advantage of my self doubt and guilt.

If you are like me, if you emotionally bruise easily, re-examining your 
thoughts, dreams, desires is a necessity. But doing it at someone else's 
prompting is the problem. Do it if and when you feel like it. Know that 
whatever conclusion you come to is absolutely, unequivocally correct 
*for you*. No one else can know this but you. And the circular 
never-ending guilt part...well, fuck that shit. It does no good 
whatsoever, so simply don't do it.

Gloria


>
>> In general, women are not raised to aspire to very much, and to bury 
>> our real wants and needs under thick deadening layers of stupid 
>> stuff, so when I hear "oh, I don't want much" I think it's worth a 
>> closer examination. It's not required to share it with the list, but 
>> if you're thinking along these lines, you might take another look 
>> just to be sure.
>>
>>   
>
> Or perhaps it can be assumed that a woman knows what she wants, 
> herself. Telling someone that her desires are worth a "closer 
> examination" only because they are not the same as what you or society 
> considers appropriate is outside infliction of self-doubt to that 
> woman, and building new "deadening layers of stupid stuff" (whether or 
> not she had some to start with).
> Some women here have been brave enough to share dreams that differ 
> from the dreams of others, and I don't think they deserve to be told 
> to re-examine themselves, just in case, as if something was wrong with 
> them by default. And many women would think that there was *really* 
> something wrong with them -- they would start to search for the 
> "deadening layers" that may or may not exist, and would eventually 
> create them, just to fit in. A woman telling another woman to "take 
> another look just to be sure" if she doesn't conform to some standard 
> of thought and behavior can be even more detrimental than the 
> proverbial chauvinistic male who tries to order her around. For many 
> people, standing up to an enemy is easier than standing up to someone 
> belonging to the same group as you.
>
>
> Lynna
>
>
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