[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 7: Assumptions Make....]

[Valorie Zimmerman]

On Friday 01 June 2007 08:02, amandaangell at spin.net.au wrote:
> On Monday 28 May 2007 5:32 am, Carla Schroder wrote:
> > Spineful Living, lesson 7: Assumptions Make....
> >
> > - When I fly an American flag, that means I am a rightwingnut patriot of
> > the icky kind
> >
> > So this week's assignment is what assumptions do you encounter, and what
> > do you do about them? Is it worth correcting people when they assume
> > wrong things about you, or is it akin to teaching pigs to sing? Does it
> > benefit you it ways other than you're not kicking yourself later for not
> > responding?
>
> I am more than willing to admit that I have done just the opposite of the
> assumptions that everyone else has wrote about here so far. Instead of
> people making assumptions about me, I've made some big assumptions about
> them - based on, sometimes, flimsy evidence/hearsay, and others, a lifetime
> of being told bull-sh** from various sources.
>
> I don't think getting p*ssed-off at anothers assumptions is going to help
> them find out the truth about a situation. People learn the truth from
> experience, and mistakes are the best teachers. Of course, if a person
> isn't willing to open their eyes, that's a different matter. :)
>
> All I wanted to say was, take it a little easy on the poor fools who, like
> me, are still making mistakes, and still learning every day.

Sometimes I *assume* that someone has made assumptions, based on a statement 
they make, a question they ask, or what they are wearing, the way they are 
acting, etc. And when I assume, I tend to become defensive. That's often a 
mistake on my part. :-)

When I've become defensive, with all the physical and mental changes that that 
state creates -- increased tension, faster breathing and heartbeat, fight or 
flight instincts primed -- it is more difficult to really see, really hear, 
really sense the true situation. My choices at that point are basically flee 
or fight. Since I was raised in an alcoholic home, I spent much of my early 
life in this state. Probably not too good for my health!

One of the reasons I like _When I say no_ so much, is that the actions and 
responses it teaches, rachet down the tension, and remove the temptation to 
fall into defensiveness. One of our strengths as humans is our curiosity, and 
it's the engine for our progress and learning. When I can meet everybody on 
the path with curiosity and vulnerability, I can learn from them, and they 
might be able to learn from me, too.  

People can still push my buttons, but I'm working on that. My buttons don't 
seem to be serving me all that well. As for correcting wrongful 
assumptions -- I think that has to be case-by-case. Any time I'm feeling 
defensive, it's probably a waste of time. Non-defensive -- I might learn 
something, and maybe so will the other person.

Valorie <--- who needs to read the book again