[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 3: 101 Satisfying Retorts For All Occassion]

[Sheryl]

Carla wrote:

> Sitting here in a hotel room brought some things to mind some occasions
> where being "nice" just isn't a good thing, and how we need to rely on our
> own judgement, rather that what some people think are good manners or
> appropriate behavior:
>
> - Not getting on an elevator when there are scary people in it. "I'll
> catch the next one" is perfectly appropriate when your warning bells are
> going off. But won't their feelings be hurt? Probably not, and if they are
> that's just another confirmation that you don't need to be confined with
> them.

In that situation I'm more likely to use the, "Oh, I left something in the
apartment/car/office.  You go on, I don't want to hold you up." and make a
feign toward leaving (without turning my back of course).

In the "hurt feelings" department, I do think that unfortunately there are
situations in which white women are not so much listening to warning bells
as stereotyping men of color.  I've gotten on the elevator with little
bent over old black men who aren't much threat to anybody but still see
white women shrink from the when an elevator opens.

I don't say that to encourage anyone to take an unnecessary risk in order
to be PC, just commenting on something I have seen in action.  And as a
very tall and large woman, I probably feel considerably less threatened by
a strange man than someone who is smaller than average.

> - Refusing to let someone into your room. It's your room, and your
> personal safety. If they claim to be hotel staff, you can always confirm
> with the front desk while they wait in the hall. Even if they wear
> uniforms, you're not being silly by checking. Anyone can buy or steal a
> uniform.

Absolutely.  And it goes for your home too, unexpected visits by the gas
company and so forth.

And in the past few years there have been a lot of incidents where rapists
and other bad guys pretended to be cops and tried to pull women over or
initiated a fender bender in order to get someone to pull over and get out
of the car.  It's my understanding that it's always OK to drive at a
reasonable rate to the nearest police station if anything like that
happens.

> - Getting roped into "helping" a stranger. I've heard a number of
> interesting dodges in my travels over the years, from confused drunks to
> creeps pulling scams like "I lost my dog," "What's a good place to eat,"
> "I need help buying a present for my wife." My answer is always "You have
> confused me with someone who works here. Hang on and I'll call security
> for you." It hasn't failed to get rid of them in record time yet.

Once again, I'm recognizing that I may have an extra edge of confidence
here because of my size and age, but I'm not nearly as skittish about
helping strangers.  I won't deal with anyone who's obviously drunk or
high, they're too unpredictable.  Nobody but nobody is going to get me
into a car or woods with them, and I'll blow off an obvious lech.  But I
give directions all the time, will change a bill or dollar coin if the
person doesn't look like they're going rob me if I get money out, or just
chat with strangers who are in a mood to chat (usually tourists, lonely
old people, people at a bus stop, even some of the local street people). 
My philosophy is that "don't talk to strangers" is a necessary thing to
tell to children, but I should be able to do a little more fine-grained
sorting by now.  I've never had a bad experience with someone I've sized
up as being ok to talk to, and I've had some pretty interesting times.

Once again, this is not a criticism of you or anyone else who doesn't want
to operate the way I do.  But I wanted to bring this up because I have
been criticized many times by friends who were more comfortable with a
more "closed off" way of being.  It was never a situation that involved
them, they were reacting to things I told them after the fact.  Sometimes
I think there was a concern for my welfare, but generally I think it was
more "what I do is the right thing and you have to do what I do".  Relying
on our own judgement doesn't just work in one direction. (If that's still
parsing -- it's getting late).

I don't have that much problem obvious dealing with strangers, it's the
people I know who give me trouble.  :-)

Sheryl