[Courses] [Spineful Living, lesson 2: When Nice = Rude]

[Carla Schroder]

On Monday 09 April 2007 07:34, K. Clair wrote:
> The communication issue is a constant opportunity for learning in my
> life.  At least I can look back and see that I've progressed.  Now, I
> can actually talk to people about uncomfortable things that might make
> them feel bad because I know that it will only be worse to deal with
> it later if I withhold it.  I see that there is still an element of
> avoid-the-worst-case-scenario there, rather than focusing on feeling
> good about my choices or thoughts or feelings.

These seem to be key reasons for not wanting to deal with difficult issues- 
first of all, imagining the worst possible outcome, and not wanting to hurt 
someone else's feelings. Which sounds a bit silly when you think about it- 
contorting our own lives just to avoid possibly upsetting someone else. 

Sure, I might be upset when someone tells me something I don't want to hear. I 
might cry, or cuss, or stomp, or sink into a quiet depression and die and 
then you'll all be sorry. Or I might say "Ok, I'm glad you were honest with 
me, I needed to know this" and go from there.

How often have your worst fears not been realized? I can think of any number 
of events in my own life:

- When I talked to my boss about how I had too much work and needed help
- When I had to deal with the neighbor's obnoxious kids and dogs invading my 
yard and making messes
- When I had to tell a friend he had such bad breath I had to keep a safe 
distance away

In all of these, I did not get a hostile or upset reaction, and in fact 
everything was worked out easily. It was scary working up to actually talking 
about it, but it turned out my fears were baseless.

Now what about the times when people did get upset? Then there are two 
possible outcomes: they are upset for a little while, then get over it and we 
work it out. Or they never get over it. Either way that's something you can 
work with, and it's a lot better than living forever on tenterhooks.

Who has some ideas for how to prepare and psyche yourself up for a potentially 
difficult confrontation? Maybe it's some fairly minor, like "Honey, that 
hairpiece is really awful and I would like to help you find a better one" or 
something serious like "Boss, I'm filing a harassment complaint against 
$Dorkperson."

What's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen?

-- 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carla Schroder
Linux geek and random computer tamer
check out my Linux Cookbook! 
http://www.oreilly.com/catalog/linuxckbk/
best book for sysadmins and power users
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~